Tag Archives: relationship

Couples sometimes communicate no better than strangers

ScienceDaily (Jan. 19, 2011) — Married people may think they communicate well with their partners, but psychologists have found that they don’t always convey messages to their loved ones as well as they think — and in some cases, the spouses communicate no better than strangers.

The same communication problem also is true with close friends, a recent study has found.

“People commonly believe that they communicate better with close friends than with strangers. That closeness can lead people to overestimate how well they communicate, a phenomenon we term the ‘closeness-communication bias,'” said Boaz Keysar, a professor in psychology at the University of Chicago and a leading expert on communications.

Keysar’s colleague Kenneth Savitsky, professor of psychology at Williams College in Williamstown, Mass., devised an experiment resembling a parlor game to study the issue. In it, two sets of couples sat in chairs with their backs to each other and tried to discern the meaning of each other’s ambiguous phrases. In all, 24 married couples participated.

The researchers used phrases common in everyday conversations to see if the spouses were better at understanding phrases from their partners than from people they did not know. The spouses consistently overestimated their ability to communicate, and did so more with their partners than with strangers.

“A wife who says to her husband, ‘it’s getting hot in here,’ as a hint for her husband to turn up the air conditioning a notch, may be surprised when he interprets her statement as a coy, amorous advance instead,” said Savitsky, who is lead author of the paper, published in the January issue of the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

“Although speakers expected their spouse to understand them better than strangers, accuracy rates for spouses and strangers were statistically identical. This result is striking because speakers were more confident that they were understood by their spouse,” Savitsky said.

“Some couples may indeed be on the same wavelength, but maybe not as much as they think. You get rushed and preoccupied, and you stop taking the perspective of the other person, precisely because the two of you are so close,” he said.

Savitsky conducted a similar experiment with 60 Williams College students. In the study, the students overestimated their effectiveness in communicating with friends, replicating the pattern found with married couples.

Closeness can create ‘illusion of insight’

Communication problems arise when a speaker assumes that a well-known acquaintance has all the information the speaker has, removing the need for a long explanation, Keysar said. When people meet a stranger, they automatically provide more information because they don’t have a “closeness bias” in that encounter. In the same way, listeners may wrongly assume that a comment or request from a close acquaintance is based on knowledge that the two have in common — a mistake the listener would not make with a stranger.

In order to test that idea, a team at Keysar’s lab set up an experiment in which two students would sit across from each other, separated by a box with square compartments that contained objects. Some of the objects were not visible to one of the students. That student, the speaker, would ask the partner to move one of the objects — but the speaker did not know that the request could be interpreted in two different ways. For example, if the speaker asked the partner to move a mouse, the partner would have two options: a computer mouse that the speaker could see, or a stuffed mouse that the speaker could not see.

The study found that when partners were asked to move an object with an ambiguous name, they would hesitate longer when the speaker was a friend. But when the speaker was a stranger, the partner would be faster to focus on the object that the speaker could see, and ignore the object that the speaker did not know about. This showed that the participants were more likely to take an egocentric position when working with a friend, neglecting to consider the possibility that the friend didn’t share the same information they had.

“Our problem in communicating with friends and spouses is that we have an illusion of insight. Getting close to someone appears to create the illusion of understanding more than actual understanding,” said co-author Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business.

“The understanding, ‘What I know is different from what you know’ is essential for effective communication to occur,” Savitsky said. “It is necessary for giving directions, for teaching a class or just for having an ordinary conversation. But that insight can be elusive when the ‘you’ in question is a close friend or spouse.”

Joining the three in authoring the article were Travis Carter, a College graduate of the University of Chicago and a post-doctoral student at Chicago Booth, and Ashley Swanson, a graduate student at MIT.

via sciencedaily.com

 

Communication – Why we should be careful about using “DON’T”

Email by John Giffney (CEO of ACS NSW Branch)

Hopefully this week you removed inappropriate use of “BUT” from your vocabulary with a resultant massive improvement in your interpersonal relationships.

Whilst I am beating up on the use of language I thought I might as well assonate another word – “Don’t”.  Unlike “but” that nullifies everything that was said before it “don’t” focuses attention on everything that comes after it.  Consider “don’t touch”, “don’t be naughty”, “don’t be late”, “don’t miss out”, “don’t worry” and my personal all-time  favourite “don’t forget”.  As soon as “Don’t …..” is heard the focus is almost instantly drawn to the action that follows which people then start to do.  How hard is it not to touch something when the sign says “Wet Paint – Don’t Touch”?  I cannot remember how many times have I forgotten the thing that I was specifically told “don’t forget ….” (I am a mere male and sometimes the side effects of the onset of O L D syndrome catch me up, so reminders are generally considered useful but still this does not help me).  This happens because the mind ignores or does not process the instruction “don’t”, it skips over the word so “Don’t forget” becomes “forget”.

There is a very simple way to ensure people do what you want – tell them what you really want, as opposed to what you do not want.  Using the above examples “keep your hands by your side”, “Be good”, Be early or on-time”, “get it now”, “the plan is working out, it is all OK” and “remember ……”.

This may seem a bit simplistic, the reality is that what happens in our lives is a direct result of our primary focus.  Helping other people and ourselves change the outcomes is as simple as changing what we focus upon.  Just be a little careful the focus needs to be on having/achieving as opposed to not having/not achieving because that is what the outcome will be.  Try this on your kids they are so much more acceptable to this approach than adults and results can be great fun.

Communication – Why we should reduce the word “BUT”

By John Giffney (CEO of ACS NSW Branch)

Lately I have had opportunity to be included in discussions on a number of interesting developments with some very passionate and dedicated people.  Firstly, I feel privileged to be invited into the circle of these fine people, it is a real honour.  Secondly, I was reminded of one of the most important lessons of communication, complementing my 3 rules (The Ratio, Question, Pause), it is not just what you say most importantly how you say it.

As you could imagine these passionate people can and do have some very similar  views and some that could be best be described as differing.  Clearly these people respect each other, with plenty of what appears as polite debate and competition to have their point of view heard and considered by the others.  People would complement the points of that they agreed with before critiquing the points difference.  Hearing this you would say it was almost text book stuff with one exception “BUT”.

BUT is a funny word in that it is a nullifier of everything that went before it.  Has anybody said to you “you look great in those clothes but your shoes could be better”, “I love what you have done here but this area needs more work”, “everything is going great but why is he here” and all time classic “I am sorry but I have to let you go.”, how do you feel?  People think they are doing the right thing by saying something nice before commenting on some aspect that has the potential to cause disappointment.  In actual fact by including “BUT” the person could have saved their breath and just launched into the criticism or their stuff because they certainly have not helped the feelings of the other person.

Consider the long held opinion that in order to have a positive impact on somebody you need to mention 3 positive things for each thing that needs improvement.  Clearly the chances of ever getting to a resolution with this approach on issues that need debate would be extremely minimal.  So how can you get there quickly and with everybody’s self-esteem and feelings intact simply drop the “BUT”.  Beware “however”, “notwithstanding”, “nonetheless” and “nevertheless” are all disguised BUTs, so use them judiciously. 

How do you replace “but”?  Ask a question, such as  “you look great in those clothes, are those the shoes you are planning to wear?”, “I love what you have done here, do you feel this area meets the same standard” or state the facts “everything is going great, oh look who is here”, “I am sorry I have to let you go ”.   It is the simple little things like dropping the BUT that helps keep people’s emotions and feeling in tact allowing them feel good about making a contribution plus it speeds up the debate.

Father Forgets

A must read for every father, every dad, every daddy out there.

FATHER FORGETS
W. Livingston Larned
condensed as in "Readers Digest"

Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye, Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!"

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive-and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. "What is it you want?" I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding-this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy-a little boy!"

I am afraid I have visualised you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much, yet given too little of myself. Promise me, as I teach you to have the manners of a man, that you will remind me how to have the loving spirit of a child.